Choice and recovery

I have ‘messed up’ doesn’t seem to cover it. I am gutted. Totally and utterly gutted.

After months of recognising eating disordered thoughts and saying to myself “no thanks, that life is not for me” and “that is not an option- not even once” I’ve had a moment where I recognised that I was thinking in a disordered way and backed myself into a place where I thought “I don’t have a choice but to do that”.

I chose to take the Eating Disorder route BUT I didn’t choose to feel like that was all I could do.

It sounds like an over simplification but….

There is ALWAYS another option than the deceptive world of an Eating Disorder. If you don’t chose that option, it isn’t because recovery isn’t possible for you it’s because in that particular set of circumstances, you don’t know what your other choices are yet.

Keep searching for choices and don’t give up if you stop seeing them for a bit,

Madasanegg

 

 

 

Choice and recovery

When your Anorexia is screaming at you to lose weight again (or something equally unhelpful you’ve worked so hard to stop) remember this….

Would you talk to someone the way you talk to yourself?

Really?

Didn’t think so.

But you don’t understand. I’m different. I deserve this.

Maybe you don’t see it right now but those thoughts are the illness. I’m having them as well. We are in this together stranger.

You are no different. Nothing you have done or ever will do warrants the way this illness makes you treat yourself. You are perfect how you are. I don’t know you but I do know that. I also know that you’ve probably heard this all before BUT there is no arguing with this- you really don’t deserve this whether you can believe it now or not.

And that is exactly my point. You cannot argue with this illness. I’m sure there are a million and one things you could come up. I am sure you could describe in detail why you should do X, Y or Z. Plus it would only be once, right? It wouldn’t be that bad if you just….

STOP.

When someone is angry and shouting at you they aren’t really in the mood for a sensible debate. I am yet to meet someone who is better at talking sense when they are @*&%ed off.

Walk away. Come back to it if you need to. Now isn’t a great time to make a decision methinks.

You have come a long way and now isn’t the time to turn back.

Love, strength and hugs stranger,

Madasanegg

 

 

When your Anorexia is screaming at you to lose weight again (or something equally unhelpful you’ve worked so hard to stop) remember this….

What to do on difficult days in recovery

Today has been a difficult day in recovery.

All I’ve wanted to do is to go back to what I used to think was the answer; focusing on food and weight, because today they weren’t what I ‘used to think’, today they really did feel like the answer.

Many professionals will tell you that on a difficult day you need to get out your box of ‘recovery tools’ and remind yourself of all of the things you have learnt.

What the professional don’t always tell you is that on these days sometimes the illness is so strong that you want to shout “screw recovery, it’s too friggin difficult and it isn’t worth it anyway”.

The last thing you want to do is force yourself to sit down and go over a list of ‘reasons to get better’ and in fact you are so firmly in self destruct mode you intentionally don’t do what you know you need to do.

The reality is, within all of us is the knowledge of what we need to get well and what we need to do. No amount of forcing yourself to get well is going to work if you don’t want to get better. It’s a hard fact to swallow (pardon the pun) but one which is ultimately uplifting when you realise that you do want to get better, even on the bad days.

I can choose to not eat and I can choose the live my life how I used to but fairy-tales of simplicity and mindless oblivion aside, I know I was desperately, desperately unhappy. All I need to do is look back on the few blog posts I managed to hash together during that time to get a small glimpse of the hell I was spiralling towards. The memories of it are so much sharper and painful.

So what did I do on my difficult day? Nothing. I didn’t read anything I had written to myself, I didn’t throw myself passionately into thinking how great life would be without this illness and I didn’t think about what I had to lose if I got sick again.

I just went through the motions and did what I had to do. No overthinking and contemplating. I just did what I always do now that I am recovering because eating is non negotiable these days and going back is not an option.

And what have I learnt? I don’t have to force myself into recovery because I want recovery. A difficult day hasn’t knocked me or taken that away. I have times where relapse seems like a good idea but I know (and more importantly cannot forget) that it isn’t.

I want to get better and if you are reading this, I have a feeling at least a part of you wants to as well. That part isn’t going to go, even if you lose site of it for a while on a difficult day.

Bring on tomorrow!

Keep fighting,

Madasanegg

What to do on difficult days in recovery

How to manage other peoples expectations of you in Eating Disorder recovery.

You won’t eat that type of food. You won’t be able to cope with a normal weight. You will loose weight when you get out of hospital. You will always be underweight. You won’t want to come out for a meal. You don’t enjoy eating.

The list is endless.

The people around you are trying to be understanding but they are understanding your Eating Disorder and not you.

The answer? You need to tell them again and again and again that you are doing things differently now.  The problem? Recovery is exhausting and telling people again and again and again is just too much sometimes, especially when your illness is going to try and make you feel ashamed of just living normal life.

So what do you do? You hold onto the fact that your recovery is yours.

You don’t need to justify the decisions that you are making. It doesn’t matter how other people think you should act in recovery, it doesn’t matter how other people do recovery and it definitely doesn’t matter what your Eating Disorder thinks you should or shouldn’t do.

I like chocolate brownies A LOT. I’m going to continue to gain weight although I’ve reached a place that is safe- because that is normal for MY BODY and that is what is right FOR ME. I get excited about going out to eat and trying new foods. The illness is what makes me feel guilty and ashamed of these things but these things are awesome and these things are ME and MY DECISIONS.

It takes an incredible amount of strength to defy your Eating Disorder and it’s even harder when sometimes it seems even the professionals are expecting a ‘half recovered’ life for you.

Go for your version of recovery whatever that means for you and however much you have to defy expectations. The Eating Disorder and it’s frankly CR*P expectations for you, can go do one! Nobody wants you to be ill and more importantly YOU are allowed to not want you to be ill.

Give yourself the permission to live the life you deserve,

It’s about time don’t you think?

Madasanegg

How to manage other peoples expectations of you in Eating Disorder recovery.

Leaving Eating Disorder Inpatient Treatment

I have come a long way but I am not where I want to be.

I’m not ready to leave but I can’t stay here.

I want my life back  but what is my life going to look like?

I am petrified but I am excited. One minute I am high on the prospect of buying pegs, the next minute I’m crushingly low when I realise that I’m perched awkwardly bang smack in the middle of all of the things that made me sick in the first place.

Everything is new and with that comes moments of utter joy (think waking up to your cat licking your face and fresh PJ’s in YOUR OWN freshly made bed…..oh and purchasing pegs because you can hang your washing out these days) and utter panic (think the realisation that you and solely you are responsible for your life)

Leaving hospital is like having your roots firmly planted back in soil that has the potential to not give you the nourishment that you need. I’m not talking food here; I’m talking purpose and direction in life, close bonds and people that you can share your deepest darkest emotions, experiences and fears with; people that automatically ‘get it’ without you needing to start explaining from scratch.

You need to and have to (if you don’t want to live your life desperately unhappy) totally change the way you do everything. That can leave you feeling alone, incredibly anxious and overwhelmed whilst you try and juggle the practicalities of what you need to do whilst you….

Change how you deal with emotions. Change how much pressure you put on yourself. Change how you relate to yourself and others. Change the need to be strong and independent all the time and the reluctance to ask for help. Change how you talk to yourself (think you are bloomin on this girl/ you got this/ I think you need a bloomin break- the use of the word ‘bloomin’ is purely optional BUT….

Keeping up doing things differently, keeping up being gentle on yourself and taking your time to find new sources of nourishment in old soil ARE NOT OPTIONAL.

Yes, you can opt out of your meal plan and slip into behaviours that momentarily help. You can slide quickly or slowly back into an illness that sometimes seems to offer you the answers for life difficulties. You can do what you like (here comes that complete sense of panic again) If you get ill again the person it matters for is YOU. Do this for yourself. Try something new because the old got you to….well lets just say, the old didn’t get you wandering happily to a shop to buy pegs listening to 90’s cheesy pop with an utterly ridiculous grin on your face.

Love and hope for your journey,

Madasanegg Xx

 

Leaving Eating Disorder Inpatient Treatment

Relapse

If I was to weigh my sense of humour, I’m pretty certain that some of it will have slipped away; that the scale will weigh lighter than before. The eating disorder is back at full strength. I am relapsing and I cannot even be sure if I care. Or at least I don’t want to care.

But I do….

I don’t want to spend my time weighing cherry tomatoes.

I want to achieve something more worthwhile than laxative induced piles.

I want to eat a pea knowing that I will never see it again, hell I want to eat a whole portion of peas knowing I will never see them again.

I know zombie films are in but I want to look less like I died and accidentally carried on.

I want to be able to talk without fearing I am wafting sick fumes up peoples nostrils like smoke signals.

I want my smile back.

I want my smile back knowing that it isn’t being slowly erased by stomach acid and diet coke.

I want my sense of humour back.

I want to eat.

I want to live.

Relapse