Today has been a difficult day in recovery.
All I’ve wanted to do is to go back to what I used to think was the answer; focusing on food and weight, because today they weren’t what I ‘used to think’, today they really did feel like the answer.
Many professionals will tell you that on a difficult day you need to get out your box of ‘recovery tools’ and remind yourself of all of the things you have learnt.
What the professional don’t always tell you is that on these days sometimes the illness is so strong that you want to shout “screw recovery, it’s too friggin difficult and it isn’t worth it anyway”.
The last thing you want to do is force yourself to sit down and go over a list of ‘reasons to get better’ and in fact you are so firmly in self destruct mode you intentionally don’t do what you know you need to do.
The reality is, within all of us is the knowledge of what we need to get well and what we need to do. No amount of forcing yourself to get well is going to work if you don’t want to get better. It’s a hard fact to swallow (pardon the pun) but one which is ultimately uplifting when you realise that you do want to get better, even on the bad days.
I can choose to not eat and I can choose the live my life how I used to but fairy-tales of simplicity and mindless oblivion aside, I know I was desperately, desperately unhappy. All I need to do is look back on the few blog posts I managed to hash together during that time to get a small glimpse of the hell I was spiralling towards. The memories of it are so much sharper and painful.
So what did I do on my difficult day? Nothing. I didn’t read anything I had written to myself, I didn’t throw myself passionately into thinking how great life would be without this illness and I didn’t think about what I had to lose if I got sick again.
I just went through the motions and did what I had to do. No overthinking and contemplating. I just did what I always do now that I am recovering because eating is non negotiable these days and going back is not an option.
And what have I learnt? I don’t have to force myself into recovery because I want recovery. A difficult day hasn’t knocked me or taken that away. I have times where relapse seems like a good idea but I know (and more importantly cannot forget) that it isn’t.
I want to get better and if you are reading this, I have a feeling at least a part of you wants to as well. That part isn’t going to go, even if you lose site of it for a while on a difficult day.
Bring on tomorrow!